Scientists from the Nevada Organic Chemistry Fellowship have released findings today that indicate that human feces can serve as an aphrodisiac. Long thought to be consistantly repugnant in the animal kingdom, feces, according to scientists has the ability to activate powerful, long dormant responses in the human brain.
Dr. Craig Harlow, who jokingly refers to himself as "head feceologist," plans to release a paper on his findings late next month. Harlow hangs his conclusions on several key points.
"In an advanced hominid culture such as our own, which clothes its young, the initial reaction to the feces of a baby must be supressed in order for care to be administered," states Harlow. "Chemically, the love of, and care for and infant must be biologically connected with a tolerance for feces." Harlow and associates have identified a chemical called tritophiniom which is activated in the scent part of the brain when feces is passed under the nose of subjects. When the feces of a child is passed under the nose of its mother, the levels of tritophiniom drop off percipitously. In fact, while levels of tritophiniom drop 75% in the mother group, estrogen productions increases by a factor of 3. The nose of a mother can be exceedingly discriminative though. The levels of tritophiniom return to "aggrivated levels" when the feces of another infant is introduced. This reaction is not unknown in new maternity in the the animal kingdom. Dr. Harlow and his associates conducted further research at the Hills Day Retirement community in Carson City, Nevada where a sample of mothers, all aged over 75 were asked to smell a dozen samples of human feces including samples from their adult children. In 80% of tests, respondants produced the predicted rise in estrogen levels, though in truncated percentages.
Further studies, conducted by sex researchers at the University of Montana showed a rise in male estrogen levels when engaging in back-mounted sexual positions with women who were asked not to bathe or wipe their anuses for a weekend. While the levels of tritophiniom rose the same as when the feces samples were used, a seperate hormone called restrone rose which counteracted the effects of the tritophiniom. "Evolution," according to Harlow, "allowed men to ignore the foul smell of the feces of their mates."
Harlow has begun preliminary studies to capitalize on the success of his discovery. In the first round of studies, fathers will have the feces of their newborns applied gently to their bodies in erogenous zones, especially around olfactory organs. Harlow also intends to expand his studies into geriatric feceology by applying the feces of adult children onto the bodies of men whose wives are past menopause. Harlow hopes to use this technique to expand the science of returning women to verility post-menopause. "I hope to be able to develop a pill that incorporates the feces of an adult child and that can be taken internally by the husband so that he might emit the appropriate chemicals to return his wife to sexual excitement." Asked if he would be willing to donate a sample for his own parents, or eat a pill donated by his own children, Harlow shrugged and smiling, nodded vigorously.
